OTTAWA — Many spouses feel trapped under one roof. Amidst the endless tension, uncertainty and similarity of pandemic life, many couples find that the bandwidth for intimacy is gone.
The hot tub was bubbling behind the home of Pebble Kranz and Daniel Rosen during months of pandemic lockdown.
After work, Dr Kranz, a family doctor, would bathe in the couple’s outdoor shower during the day, then text her husband to join her in the hot tub. Mr. Rosen, a psychotherapist, would come in after his virtual dates.
A gazebo with curtains sheltered the tub, so that husband and wife could soak naked without scandalizing their neighbors.
“We had to have a place and a project to connect,” said Rosen, who also built a cedar sauna behind their home in Rochester, New York, last fall. Here, the spouses talk and listen to music in the heat.
Although elaborate, their sauna and whirlpool facilities exemplify a concept that Mr. Rosen, a certified sex therapist, and Dr. Kranz, a specialist in sexual medicine, share with couples whom they advise via video call — couples whose sex life was deprived during the pandemic. The idea, coined by San Diego sociologist Jennifer Gunsaullus, is “a good time of naked pleasure” — partners hanging out naked without the pressure of sex. In these stressful times, the laid back approach resonates with their couples.
“It’s hard to maintain an erotic environment when you’re locked up together,” Mr. Rosen said. “So how do you run the script on Groundhog Day?” Dr Kranz added. “How do you get creative to shake it up — one way or another?” “
The calls are to couples therapists, with many spouses feeling trapped under one roof. Amidst the endless tension, uncertainty and similarity of pandemic life, many couples find that the bandwidth for intimacy is gone. Just like privacy, with the kids running around underfoot. Chronic stress triggers fights — toxic to sexuality. Another desire dampener: Spouses got too familiar with each other just as personal dignity rolled out the window, people living in sweatpants, forgoing grooming efforts, making fun of Netflix and carbs. For some, it felt impossible to cultivate a sex life through this year of compulsory domesticity.
Investigating 1,500 adults last spring just after the outbreak of the pandemic, researchers at the Kinsey Institute found that nearly half of them said their sex lives were in decline. While some actually expanded their sexual repertoire through the global crisis, they tended to be younger people living alone, rather than long-married spouses in quarantine in homes full of homework and laundry.
“For most couples, this is hell,” said Peggy Kleinplatz, a clinical psychologist who has detected “a greater sense of claustrophobia and hopelessness” in phone calls with clients since the start of the pandemic.
“The vast majority of couples I meet find it impossible to find their own time without having to deal with work, the kids or cleaning the house,” said Dr. Kleinplatz. of Medicine at the University of Ottawa.
This chronic stress stifles libido and sexual frequency, notes Lori Brotto, a psychologist studying desire and behavior during the pandemic in a longitudinal study at the Women’s Health Research Institute in Vancouver.
“None of us have firmly grasped homeschooling and childcare without any [help] would support couples, relationships, privacy and intimacy, ”said Dr. Brotto, professor of obstetrics and gynecology at the University of British Columbia.
“Couples work together at home — you are side by side all day. This translated into a much greater emotional distance, ”said Dr. Brotto. “Separation and a sense of separate identity are essential for the desire and cultivation of interest in sexual activity.”
She asks couples to consider work schedules that do not completely overlap, as well as alternate time away from home alone.
Many spouses do not have the luxury of having extra space at home to sequester themselves for a few hours, nor the money and privacy needed for virtual therapy sessions. As Mr. Rosen pointed out, the situation is exponentially worse for partners with fewer resources, for those struggling with substance abuse or mental health issues, as well as for sexual minorities.
A year after the start of the pandemic, some confuse their partner’s exhaustion with sexual rejection, sex educator Emily Nagoski said.
“If your partner wants to be intimately involved with you and you’ve been spending all day with them, or with a kid, or in Zoom meetings, and you haven’t had time for yourself, this is kind of like your partner is saying, “Here, eat this huge chocolate cake that I made for you. I know you’ve been eating all day and have no interest in eating more, but please, you will reject me unless you eat this cake. There is nothing wrong with the cake. The person just needs to take a break, ”said Ms. Nagoski, author of the book. Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life.
For those whose marriages were already asexual before the pandemic, or for whom one partner has more desire than the other, months of lockdown “magnify what goes wrong in the relationship,” said Mindy McGovern, marriage therapist and family in Seattle.
“For couples who might distract from the distress of intimate relationships by doing things outside the home, they no longer have those options,” Ms. McGovern said. “Your partner now knows everything about your day – all the time you have available where you could have sex.”
She and other experts ask spouses to try and practice compassion and kindness during this prolonged period of disruption.
Dr Kleinplatz strongly recommends that couples set aside 15 minutes two or three times a week to sit in a comfortable place and “check in with each other from the heart”. She recommends that partners turn off their electronic devices and avoid talking about children or work.
These moments of “emotional time” reduce stress and allow partners to step out of their “forced domesticity” to sow a more erotically charged atmosphere, said Dr Kleinplatz, who co-authored the 2020 book. Gorgeous Sex: Extraordinary Lovers Lessons.
She also shares with her couples the concept of “thrill,” coined by American psychologist Carol Ellison: occasional small gestures to stay sensually engaged, even if that doesn’t immediately lead to sex. For various couples, simmering can mean dancing to the music they have listened to when they are dating, cooking together, applying perfume, or giving a massage. These are activities that engage the senses in one way or another – very different from building puzzles or playing Monopoly.
“We worked with a couple who created a facsimile of a favorite in-room restaurant,” said Dr Kranz, whose sauna and hot tub with her husband would be called stews.
Spouses told Dr. Kleinplatz that simmering takes some of the pressure off sex. While she believes now is not the time for excessive expectations, Dr. Kleinplatz has warned partners not to completely neglect their sex lives lest they remain disengaged after the pandemic.
“What I tell my couples is not to set the bar too high but… to simmer your relationship until a full boil becomes possible. Now is the time to cultivate ‘maybe’ and little bits of flirtation — even if you know there is no energy to act right now.